contraptions

they gave me a foot more
because i never go down without a
f i g h t
except for when the monsters come
they come and hide inside my mind
its cold and its dark and

its a beautiful place for fear to grow

it plants its roots
it sets its stones
and now that my minds infested
its attested to what i

deny

it pleads with my other half to try and make it go away
but surely there’s another way
another place
another 
day

another time to weigh the scale

before we all go off the
r
a
i
l
s

we try to think

we try to fight

but no one ever finds the light

 

things that piss me off

 

i just had to delete like half of this post because i started writing it a month ago and its not relevant anymore.

I do, actually, have something to say today though, and its about the fact that i get really annoyed at the smallest most insignificant things.

  • something that annoys me CONSTANTLY is people on the overground. i get it twice a day, coming home and going to school. the trains are the ((((epitome))) of london public transport (ie they’re heated and air conditioned), but as well as this, the doors don’t open automatically; the button to open the door flashes and beeps, a couple seconds after the train stops. however theRE’S ALWAYS THOSE PEOPLE WHO PRESS THE BUTTON OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AS SOON AS THE TRAIN STOPS AND THEN START SIGHING BECAUSE THE DOORS AREN’T OPENING. people have no patience and it just makes me so MAD because!!!! the doors aren’t suddenly going to start opening before they usually do just for you!!! and its the fact that they press it overandoverandover again.

I. HATE. IT.

  • the next one belongs to my dad. he does this thing where he mispronounces names or places just to piss me off and it works because i get so ANGRY. for example; the name theresa is with a hard t- right? tuh-ree-sa he fucking pronounces theresa with the same th- sound that you say ‘the’ with, and with a short ‘e’ sound, like this: thuh-re-sa. HE DOES IT JUST TO MAKE ME MAD AND IT SURE AS HELL WORKS.
  • this one is quite common, but if i’m planning on doing a certain piece of work and then my parents remind me to go do it?? i just?? won’t do it. i have no idea what process is going through my mind that makes me not want to do it but i just physically cannot bring myself to even consider doing it.
  • living in london, i see a lot of tourists, but goddamn there is nothing more annoying than walking somewhere and some tourist in front of you just… stops. i’m a powerwalker so i’m usually pretty fast, but sometimes they just stop and i either A) have to swerve around them and piss someone else off, or B) I walk straight into them by accident, and they look at me like i have no etiquette. smh.
  • entitled public transport assholes!! i was on the bus on the way to school the other day, and its quite small and usually has most of the seats taken and people filling up the gangway. i was standing there with my friend and suddenly this entitled black woman with a massive bag starts pushing her way forwards past bags and a buggy to get to a seat and the VERY BACK of the bus. when she got to me, she said ‘can i get through please’ in the rudest voice, to which i replied ‘there’s no room, i can’t move’. but alas! that was not the correct answer. rather than wait 30 seconds before everyone got off the bus outside my school, she pushed me and my friend and along with a buggy user and a woman with a small child out of the way just so she could.

what a twat.

ok so my list is already at 5 items, so with that i am going to leave, so, goodbye my dudes and have a sickass day!

adventures and shit

ok so today would have been much more enjoyable if i hadn’t been up until fOUR IN THE MORNING ON SKYPE but whatever it was fun and i had a good time memeing with sav and the crue.

anyway.

last week my best friend tara and i agreed to meet up and we did that today!!! so!!

i got to waterloo station at around 12, and i called her and told her to meet me by the WHSmith… we didn’t realise that there were two, so we ended up standing in front of different WHSmiths for about ten minutes before we clocked this Very Important Fact.

the whole reason that we were in waterloo in the first place, is for the food market just behind the national theatre. my parents went lask week and said that some shrimp burger stall had really good fries so…… essentially i hauled ass across london just for some chips? relateable.

we had a tenner each so we figured that we’d get as much food as possible, which worked pretty well seeing as we’re both vegetarian. we got a halloumi salad box, montreal fries, a brownie, a slice of red velvet cake, and a diet coke each! the halloumi box was really nice, especially the bread, but the fries weren’t as as amazing as i’d thought they’d be, but overall everything was super good.

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food market stuff

 

it was right near the london eye, so after we got our food we decided to walk over to the london eye. there’s a really big grassy area with things on the side to sit on, so we hung out for about half an hour there. it always amuses me how there’s so many street performers along the embankment, all of them playing their musis SUPER LOUDLY. also, some rastafari showed up and started playing ‘hey ya’ on a boombox so that was pretty sick.

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london eye!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i also decided to go run to a tree as a joke to pretend to spy on these men to see if they were gonna hold hands, i was far enough away for them to not notice me (i piss around so much when i’m with tara) so here’s me running back from that…

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moving swiftly on, after we got back to mine we had a MEME OVERDOSE. which … um… included a lot of yuri on ice and haikyuu crack videos??? oh huh that’s my jam oh that’s my jaM yeah I’M A BIRD MOTHERFUCKER I’M A BIRD , I’M A BIRD MOTHERFUCKER I’M A BIRD

me+tara bein ugly ft yoi crack

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we also discovered the joy of sfm videos… we already had seen some (like the dancing shrek video) BUT we didn’t know it was an actual thing???

these/are/some/favourites

 

but yeah, twas a cool day, even if i was extremely tired and undercaffeinated

 

thinkin’ about my future

recently i’ve been thinking about my gcses and how i’ll be done with this shitshow in less than 4 months and its… scary?

my two best friends are going to the same school, and i’ll be going to a new school on my own, and it… makes me sad? of course i’ll still see them, but they’re huge parts of my day to day life and thinking about not seeing them, and having dumb conversations in our form room honestly scares the living shit out of me. we can say all we want that we’ll still be best friends, but after my last gcse, my relationship with them is never going to be the same again, but they’ll still be best friends. sometimes i’m with them while they’re talking about it and it kind of makes me want to lock myself into a room and die slowly.

anyway, once i start thinking about sixth form, i realise that it’s only two years, and then i’ll be at university. i’m leaving my best friends now, and am going to leave the new best friends i make at sixth form when i go to uni. it kind of makes me want to put absolutely no effort in, because i know that anyone i become friends with, i’m just going to leave? but i’m not going to do that because i’m not that kind of person but like… that doesn’t mean that i don’t want to.

anyway, i’m taking the IB instead of A Levels, which is why i’m in this situation of going to a new school where i know no one in the first place. i’m taking higher english lit, global politics and philosophy, and standard math studies, biology and hopefully ab initio japanese.

i have friends in sixth form who still don’t know what they want to study in university, and it scares me because i kinda already have it all planned out? i want to double major in poly sci and philosophy, and try and start and/or be the guitarist in a band whilst i’m at uni (i’m still not sure whether i want to rhythm or lead though) and if it becomes something that goes anywhere, then i know i’ll be willing to drop out, because music is what i want to do with my life. however, if that doesn’t happen, after i get my degree, i’m pretty sure i want to move to japan for a year and be an english teacher, which is why i’m teaching myself japanese now! i might end up doing the typical indie movie thing and stay there for longer, but after that….. the plan starts to go a  bit blank? i might want to go back to uni and turn my degree into a law degree through a conversion, but … i’m not sure. i know that it’s fine that i don’t know what i want to do afTER I GO TO UNIVERSITY, and even if i know what i want to do, i’m not naive enough to think that my life will go remotely to the plan of this shitty blogpost.

all of this thinking about my future just scares the living shit out of me, because i’m not ready to say goodbye. i may complain about my school constantly, but i’m not ready to say goodbye to ellen and tara and mimi and emily and luna and kimaree and anyone else. its not even that i’m best friends with that many people, i just can’t imagine not being with them. god, i remember when we were 11 and thought that our blackberries were the shit, and its just the fact that we’ve grown up together is what makes it harder to say goodbye.

i’ve wished away the past year, and now that it’s nearly over, its like i’m at the top of a mountain and i can see sixth form and university and jobs and existential crises and breakups all in the distance, i don’t want to see that shit. i want to roll back down the hill where i have so much time  before saying goodbye, and gscse’s seem so far away.

god.

i keep thinking about it more and more and more and its like its filling my lungs each time, and soon i’m not going to be able to breathe because of the worry and regret and anxiety from it all. its just that now everything is within touching distance , its overwhelming and scary and i’m not sure how to deal with it.

lost friendships

hi

i haven’t been here in a while.

one of my kind of unspoken new years resolutions was to stop shitposting and that is what i’ve done. at the end of last year i got 100 followers and i felt like it was time to stop posting random crap that no one cares about, and as a result of that, i haven’t written anything since january- think of it as a writing detox?

anyway, if you’re a 2012 memer i’m sure you will have heard of fanfiction.net. i signed up back in 2012 and it was my first proper introduction into the world of fanfiction and talking to randos online. i was 11 (far too young… probably why i’m such a sinner now) and i’m actually quite grateful for it.

anyway, my point is still yet to be seen. in 2014, i joined a forum called caesar’s palace. originally a hunger games forum, its been multifandom for a while now, and is just a great place. i was a member for like a year, before i kinda just… stopped?? i was more active on twitter, befriending emos and trying to get noticed by my emo dads. (gabe saporta tweeted me a selfie and acknowledged himself as my dad).

i was super active on tumblr, twitter and ffn and then i just stopped using all of them. more importantly, i stopped talking to my friends. i’m going to use her online name here because i have no idea if c/p’ers will read this, but zero is honestly one of the best people i’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. when we first became bros, she was a freshman and i was in year 8 and we were completely different. despite living on two sides of the atlantic, we talked every day and had stupid jokes about sheep and my satanic dead cat among other things, and we were shipped many a time together by the likes of april, onyx, brooke and zoey among others. the problem with internet friends is that sometimes they drop right out of existence for long periods of time, which is exactly what i did. as i started going on cp less and less, we talked much less and eventually we just didn’t.

a week ago, despite forgetting my email and password for my first account, i decided to make a new ffn account and go back onto cp for the first time in 2 years, because i was bored in half term. i had thought about doing it before, but i was always too afraid, because dropping off the face of the earth and appearing to your former best friend two years later and still wanting a relationship isn’t a great thing to do. (@ sherlock)

anyway, i staged a comeback and thankfully zero was still active. (and a mod!!). because of time differences, my need for sleep, and my lack of a decent phone, we haven’t been able to talk this week, but coming back and talking to her and going back to our old banter has been one of the best choices i’ve made this year. despite me now being in year 11 and her being a junior, we kinda just lapsed into how we used to be (except we’re both yoi trash lol) and i’m so grateful. maybe one day things can go back to how they used to be?

the moral of the story is, if there’s someone, a friend or family member who you’ve driften away from, go talk to them. bite the bullet and send them a text or speak to them in real life, and try to fix your relationship or improve it. there’s no guarantee that it’ll fully work out, but you’ll feel better if you do it;

i promise.


 

quick note; my gcses are in 3 months (if there’s anyone else out there doing it; please come share my pain. i have a week with 8 exams i want to die haha 🙂 and that’s taking my priority at the moment, so my posts will be sporadic, but they will happen.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow

guys,,,,,,,,,

on saturday, february 4th, i am going to:

  • meet lower than atlantis
  • get their new album
  • get their new album SIGNED
  • watch them live
  • with
  • a
  • crowd
  • of
  • 400
  • people
  • oh
  • my
  • god
  • i
  • am
  • going
  • to
  • die

I’VE LIKED THIS BAND SINCE I WAS IN YEAR 9 AND NOW IM IN 11 AND IM FREAKING OUT????? IF I SEE DAMN NATION LIVE IM GOING TO DIE????? IM GOING TO SEE HAD ENOUGH LIVE????? I’M GONNA SEE HERE WE GO LIVE IN A TINY CROWD SWEET MOTHER IM DEAD

that is all ❤

/screams for 12 years/

yo!

as you may have noticed, i haven’t been in here in a while! as most of you know, i’m a year 11 student in the uk, which means that in four months time i’ve got those pesky GCSE exams!! right now i’m doing my mocks, and i will be until for the next week, (i’ve been doing them since january 5th kms) so i probably won’t be around till then.

i need to be doing chemistry revision right now, so i’ll say what i need to say in a couple of bullet points!

  • sherlock!!! sherlock season 4 has been so awesome, and i was lucky enough to get a ticket to see the final episode at a cinema. i’m going to canary wharf on sunday night (on my own because i got the last ticket) to see last episode being screened in realtime with the bbc, but i’ll also get to see extra footage too! i’ll be sure to take photos of my adventure and let you guys know what i see. i doubt there’s any left, seeing as i got the last ticket available for the cinema and i got it last sunday, but its screening at 300 cinemas around the uk, so if you wanna go then there’s no harm in checking??
  • i might be meeting elm oh my god???????? hopefully if it plans out, she’s gonna come down to actual london with a friend and come hang out with me and ellen in shoreditch and soho and i can’T WAIT.
  • crunchyroll!! luna got a premium crunchyroll account and she’s giving me the password which means i’ll be able to watch simulcasts an hour after they’re aired in japan! hopefully i’ll be able to keep up with at least some of the shows in the winter 2k17 lineup! i’ll probably make a post saying what simulcasts i’ll be watching!
  • iwaoi hell!!!! after much discussion with ellen and tara, i’ve decided i’m going to write a mammoth iwaoi assassin!au fanfic. like. at least 25k words. i have no idea how long this is going to take but like????? i’m so excited oh my god. its still in the planning stage right now, but i’ve got a spotify playlist here that’s constantly going through the editing process and will eventually be set along to play simultaneously with the fic which is quite cool! i also have a pinterest inspo board here, so ??? if ur looking for cute boys with guns and a lot of blood then this is the place for u??

    ps: this is iwaoi
    tumblr_static_tumblr_static_6lg4ws4ek4w88k8gcwog48g4s_640

k that’s it i gotta go and teach myself a years worth of chemistry