recently i’ve been thinking about my gcses and how i’ll be done with this shitshow in less than 4 months and its… scary?
my two best friends are going to the same school, and i’ll be going to a new school on my own, and it… makes me sad? of course i’ll still see them, but they’re huge parts of my day to day life and thinking about not seeing them, and having dumb conversations in our form room honestly scares the living shit out of me. we can say all we want that we’ll still be best friends, but after my last gcse, my relationship with them is never going to be the same again, but they’ll still be best friends. sometimes i’m with them while they’re talking about it and it kind of makes me want to lock myself into a room and die slowly.
anyway, once i start thinking about sixth form, i realise that it’s only two years, and then i’ll be at university. i’m leaving my best friends now, and am going to leave the new best friends i make at sixth form when i go to uni. it kind of makes me want to put absolutely no effort in, because i know that anyone i become friends with, i’m just going to leave? but i’m not going to do that because i’m not that kind of person but like… that doesn’t mean that i don’t want to.
anyway, i’m taking the IB instead of A Levels, which is why i’m in this situation of going to a new school where i know no one in the first place. i’m taking higher english lit, global politics and philosophy, and standard math studies, biology and hopefully ab initio japanese.
i have friends in sixth form who still don’t know what they want to study in university, and it scares me because i kinda already have it all planned out? i want to double major in poly sci and philosophy, and try and start and/or be the guitarist in a band whilst i’m at uni (i’m still not sure whether i want to rhythm or lead though) and if it becomes something that goes anywhere, then i know i’ll be willing to drop out, because music is what i want to do with my life. however, if that doesn’t happen, after i get my degree, i’m pretty sure i want to move to japan for a year and be an english teacher, which is why i’m teaching myself japanese now! i might end up doing the typical indie movie thing and stay there for longer, but after that….. the plan starts to go a bit blank? i might want to go back to uni and turn my degree into a law degree through a conversion, but … i’m not sure. i know that it’s fine that i don’t know what i want to do afTER I GO TO UNIVERSITY, and even if i know what i want to do, i’m not naive enough to think that my life will go remotely to the plan of this shitty blogpost.
all of this thinking about my future just scares the living shit out of me, because i’m not ready to say goodbye. i may complain about my school constantly, but i’m not ready to say goodbye to ellen and tara and mimi and emily and luna and kimaree and anyone else. its not even that i’m best friends with that many people, i just can’t imagine not being with them. god, i remember when we were 11 and thought that our blackberries were the shit, and its just the fact that we’ve grown up together is what makes it harder to say goodbye.
i’ve wished away the past year, and now that it’s nearly over, its like i’m at the top of a mountain and i can see sixth form and university and jobs and existential crises and breakups all in the distance, i don’t want to see that shit. i want to roll back down the hill where i have so much time before saying goodbye, and gscse’s seem so far away.
i keep thinking about it more and more and more and its like its filling my lungs each time, and soon i’m not going to be able to breathe because of the worry and regret and anxiety from it all. its just that now everything is within touching distance , its overwhelming and scary and i’m not sure how to deal with it.